I really want to talk about the unbelievable day I just had, but I don’t want to risk outing someone IRL by posting on my own blog. (If there’s a way to anonymize this submission, I would appreciate it!)
I just had lunch with my biological dad (my mom and dad’s sperm donor) to celebrate Father’s Day. He is a long-time friend of the family, and we have seen each other a couple of times a year for the past several years.
In the course of conversation, I accidentally came out as being pansexual and some variation of non-binary or genderfluid. I said something along the lines of liking people “of all different genders” and he really resonated with that phrase.
He said “well, if you’re being totally open and honest with me, I’ll be open and honest with you about something I’ve never talked about before.“ It turns out that he has questioned his gender since he was a little kid, and regularly wears "women’s clothing” secretly under his other clothes or in the privacy of his basement when his wife is at work. He has only ever told two other people (including his current wife) and neither of them supported him at all so he just keeps it totally hidden. But I was PSYCHED! I am so excited! I invited him over to try on accessories and do makeup and all that stuff, and we got to have a great conversation about each of our gender adventures.
Since he’s never been part of an LGBTQ+ community or had any education that way, but I’ve had several Gender Studies classes at my university, we use pretty different vocabulary for things. Like, he had never heard about people requesting preferred pronouns or gender-neutral pronouns before (hence why I am continuing to use he/him pronouns for now: it’s brand new territory and he doesn’t seem ready to think about being called anything else yet!) He knew the phrase “shemale” and was somewhat vaguely aware of “FTM” but had never heard “trans woman” or that “trans women are real women” before I started talking about it. It sounds like the only images of non-binary or trans bodies he has seen are the typical porn actors (young, perfect, large breasts, large penis, totally staged orgasms, etc.) and he was so fascinated when I talked about liking to look at sexual/pornographic images of real regular non-cisgender people who have body hair and fat and whatever diverse genitalia and identities and partners they actually have. Like, he has no idea where to find that kind of thing, but I do (sort of)
In his world, he’s a man who secretly likes to wear women’s clothing and sometimes feels that he doesn’t fit his gender. But in my world, *she* might be a trans woman who wears *her own* clothing, and isn’t supported to be out about it. Or “they” and genderfluid, or whatever works, but certainly not “a man wearing women’s clothing”. We have two totally different paradigms, and it is a real challenge not to think about my point of view as being correct and his as being ignorant. I want to let him be in control of his identity and how and if he wants to redefine it as we start talking about the different terms that folks use.
The fact that he’s my biological parent is amazing because, OMFG it runs in the family! This is where I get it from! But it also makes boundary issues a little weird. Like, I want this beautiful person to have all the resources to have a safe and happy and validated feminine identity and sexuality for once in their life. But also, sharing porn search terms and how to buy lingerie with a parent is super weird right? He’s really into cute shoes, and I told him that he can have some of the fancy pairs I wore once to some event but aren’t comfortable enough to wear regularly. But then there’s the issue that for him, shoes are also I guess a sexual fetish thing? Sharing healthy sexuality resources is one thing, but sharing straight up masturbation material is kind of another thing. And it’s not like we have a script to model where to draw the lines in this relationship. Who even has a relationship like this with anyone ever? What are the chances? Well, I guess the chances are slightly better than strangers meeting, because we’re related and I probably supposedly inherited the gender thing from him. If I was reading this on the internet I would probably think it was fake, it is so unlikely. And I don’t know whether I will ever find another person with a similar experience who may be able to relate to how to help a parent with this kind of thing. But I am literally the third person he has ever come out to and the only one who has ever supported him in any way, so I’ve got to do a good job of it.
I am moving across the country at the end of the summer for my PhD program, which means that we only have a month or so for him to come over and safely do girly dress-up stuff. But being optimistic, if he ever comes to visit me he could theoretically go out in public in feminine clothing for the first time because there would be almost no chance of being outed to someone he knows. I want to take him to the local transgender resource center and feminist sex shop/education center before I go so he’ll have someone to answer questions I can’t (like how do you know what size bra to order?) But this is just such a huge and improbable thing, that I am pretty overwhelmed right now. On the one hand, there’s so much to do and so little time. On the other hand, there’s a real danger of going too far and transgressing parent/child boundaries in a way that may ruin everything. I guess it’ll have to come down to good communication and making it up as we go along.
TLDR: I accidentally came out to my mom’s sperm donor and it turns out he has a secret feminine identity, and now I am teaching my bio dad how to order bras online and find ethically produced porn and do makeup and stuff. It’s not typical, but I guess this is my relationship with my parent now?
Hey! I recently started a new blog about my experiences as a nonbinary college student to try to help others make the transition to college life. I was wondering if you or your followers would be interested in checking it out. I hope to get some more posts up soon and hopefully answer anyone’s questions. Thanks!!
Hi there! Hate to be a bother, but could you please share this with your followers?
We are a new LGBTQ advice group aiming to aid those members of the LGBTQ community. We tried to start out our group back in July, but life problems got in the way of us being able to keep up a permanent blog.
But now, we’re back!
Currently we have two moderators: Vlad and Leigh. You can learn more about us here.
Due to the recent suicide of Leelah Alcorn and the outrage behind it, we are pledging to keep a permanent blog with active members to help other young people that are suffering from poor home situations and prevent further suicide. ALL LIVES MATTER!!!!
We are here to help ALL LGBTQ members, of ALL age groups, races, home lives, and etc!
We also have a YouTube channel, in which we’ll be adding personal videos about our moderator’s lives, advice videos for our followers, and more!
To help us kickstart, please spread the word! Follow us on tumblr, and subscribe to our YouTube! Send us messages! Spread, spread, spread the word! We want to be out there and available to everyone who may need us!
Hello, I'm a nonbinary afab person who is 1) unsure of what label to prescribe themself and 2) really wanting to go on testosterone. My brain really wants what is considered socially as a typically masculine body-- however, my personal gender identity is not necessarily 'male' and I tend to go by they/them pronouns. I don't really have many resources to turn to in defining my gender identity or knowing if what I'm feeling about body vs gender is like what anyone else experiences. Help?
most people cant 100% fit their gender identity into just on label, but i can help break it down for you.
your relationship with your sex and your gender are two separate things. if you want to go on testosterone and masculinize your body, you’re transsexual. this doesnt mean anything about your identity or being binary, it just means you want to change your secondary sex characteristics.
another word you might find helpful is neutrois. a neutrois (pronounced /new-twah/) is basically an agender transsexual. meaning they want to physically transition towards having a gender-neutral physical form, which often involves masculinization (for AFABs), without transitioning all the way to male. Some people use neutrois as a gender identity unrelated to transitioning, but most I’ve seen use it to describe their relationship with their body, as well as or independent of their specific gender. personally I identify as neutrois, but I only use it to refer to my relationship with my body. luckily the most useful first-hand transition blog out there is by a neutrois, at neutrois.me.
now when it comes to your actual mental gender, there are a lot of options. you have to think about things like:
-how many gender states do i experience? does it flux between more than one (feminine/masculine/neutral/other), or stay pretty static? labels involving gender flux include genderqueer, genderfluid, bigender, and androgyne
-if your gender is static, does it feel like a mix of different genders (feminine/masculine/neutral/other), or just one? static mixed gender identities include androgyne, bigender, and genderqueer. (note that many of these labels overlap because some of them have lose definitions and a broad spectrum of applications)
-labels that involve one static non-mixed identity include agender, aliagender, gender-neutral,and genderqueer.
-does your identity lean more towards the masculine side, but you dont quite identify as “male”? you might be transmasculine. another related word I coined that I use to refer to myself is transneutral, which means my gender is centred neutrally though my expression varies.
there are definitions for all of these terms in our glossary.
(1)For the anon with the fear of simply absorbing someone's gender identity, I've had this fear for a long time, in fact, it's why it took me so long to come to terms with my gender (3-4 years after I found out about agender) due to regional circumstances I had little knowledge since tumblr and had a friend I made when we both thought we were cis, and they came out as genderfluid, and I stayed thinking I was cis for several years, I kept wondering if I was but thinking this stopped me. I also-
(2)-have BPD, which is another reason I was so concerned that I was simply taking on a different gender identity because of my BPD in regards to my friend. I think feeling like that can come from a lot of internalized hate, which I had, in addition to a lot of variables. It can take a lot of time to be sure, and that’s okay, everyone is different. And if you happen to be wrong (it’s not likely) that’s okay too, not everyone knows right away, it took me until I was 24. Hope this helps.
thanks for your input anon. actually i myself spent a few years in the mental health system and was diagnosed as BPD before I found out I was trans. However since coming out my mental health is better than it had been since I was a child, and I havent had to take any medication or receive any sort of treatment since socially transitioning (although this is obviously not the case for plenty of trans people with mental illness)
I reject my own diagnosis at this point since I recognize that my identity problems were about 80% gender and 20% just me being a very empathetic person, and I had been mislabeled with two other conditions in the past. however I know there are trans people who do have BPD and identify with that diagnosis and it doesn’t affect the fact that they’re trans.
But I do really empathize with you about not letting yourself have faith in your gender identity because of having a history of mental illness. for a very long time even after coming out I doubted myself and was hyper-critical of my gender identity, thinking maybe i did just have identity issues. The bigotry I was exposed to surrounding nonbinary people only contributed to my feelings of self-doubt. but when it came down to it, the proof is in the pudding. my life has never been better since coming out about 2 years ago, my mental health has never been better, and I am a generally healthier, happier, more well-balanced person. Doubts about mental health don’t contend with those results.
Hi there. Do you have any tips for figuring out if an identity is actually yours or if you're just absorbing it from someone else? Really stupid question, I know, but I just always have that fear. Like, a series of questions one can ask themselves or something?
I don’t think this is something i’ve ever heard of? i mean it’s something i’ve seen parents accuse their kids of, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a proven instance of someone falsely replicating someone else’s gender identity.
it wouldnt really make sense, since you would be exposed to so many different examples of gender every day, there wouldnt be a reason for you to be latching onto a particular one unless it was personally relevant to you. you might think “i have genderqueer friends so maybe i feel genderqueer all of a sudden because of them”, but you have to think that there are reasons for you to be drawn to what and whom you are. i heard this quote once that said something like “every action is a self-portrait” or something, about how our actions, words, preferences and everything reveal who we are as people. why would you be drawn to a specific gender identity if it didnt resonate with you?
the only circumstance i could think of where this would be the case would be if you had some sort of personality disorder, such as borderline personality disorder. however, trans people being misdiagnosed with BPD or other identity disorders has been a problem throughout history, and there are trans people with identity disorders that do not interfere with their gender. unless you have ongoing mental health concerns and/or identity instability I don’t think this would be the case.
So one of the questions I see getting asked here a lot is “What does this mean I am?”
The honest answer is, we don’t know. We can’t tell you who you are. The only person who can know who they are is you. But we can help you with your identity, and figuring it out. I’m going to give you some tips on knowing if your trans*, and link to some videos and YouTubers who might help shed some light on the subject for you.
Daydreaming. Imagine your future. You have that dream job, that lovely home, that loving husband or wife, those kids you want, or that car you want. You have what you want in life. Now when you think of that, when you picture that scene, look at yourself in that scene. What do you look like? A guy, a girl, or something in between, or both, or neither? That could indicate who you feel you are, or who you want to be.
Staing your gender. Get a mirror. Look at yourself and say “I am transgender”. Say “I am a boy/girl”. Say whatever you think you might be. Does it feel right? Does it feel comfortable? When I say “My name is Jared, and I’m a boy” it feels like the right thing to say, because that is who I am. This could indicate how you feel about yourself.
Being called your chosen name. Grab a close friend who you trust, and won’t freak out at you. Say to them, “Friend, I’m having some gender issues, and I would like you to call me (insert name here) and use male/female/neutral pronouns for me when other people aren’t around.” A good friend will agree.IIf it feels right for them to call you your chosen name, that could be an indicator. It will feel weird at first to have your friend call you your chosen name, but you’ll get comfortable with it if it is right.
Experiment. For people who think they might be male, you could pack with a sock, bind with some tights, or dress in your older brother’s clothes as an experiment. For people who think they might be female, you can make (very crude) makeshift breasts, and wear women’s clothes.
Research. Look into the surgeries and hormones, check out videos on YouTube, talk to people who are trans*, get educated.
I hope this helped anyone who is feeling unsure of their gender. Good luck!
we’ve received a lot of questions lately from people who are working on figuring out their gender identities, and I hope this will be helpful for them!
