Something amazing just happened!
I really want to talk about the unbelievable day I just had, but I don’t want to risk outing someone IRL by posting on my own blog. (If there’s a way to anonymize this submission, I would appreciate it!)
I just had lunch with my biological dad (my mom and dad’s sperm donor) to celebrate Father’s Day. He is a long-time friend of the family, and we have seen each other a couple of times a year for the past several years.
In the course of conversation, I accidentally came out as being pansexual and some variation of non-binary or genderfluid. I said something along the lines of liking people “of all different genders” and he really resonated with that phrase.
He said “well, if you’re being totally open and honest with me, I’ll be open and honest with you about something I’ve never talked about before.“ It turns out that he has questioned his gender since he was a little kid, and regularly wears "women’s clothing” secretly under his other clothes or in the privacy of his basement when his wife is at work. He has only ever told two other people (including his current wife) and neither of them supported him at all so he just keeps it totally hidden. But I was PSYCHED! I am so excited! I invited him over to try on accessories and do makeup and all that stuff, and we got to have a great conversation about each of our gender adventures.
Since he’s never been part of an LGBTQ+ community or had any education that way, but I’ve had several Gender Studies classes at my university, we use pretty different vocabulary for things. Like, he had never heard about people requesting preferred pronouns or gender-neutral pronouns before (hence why I am continuing to use he/him pronouns for now: it’s brand new territory and he doesn’t seem ready to think about being called anything else yet!) He knew the phrase “shemale” and was somewhat vaguely aware of “FTM” but had never heard “trans woman” or that “trans women are real women” before I started talking about it. It sounds like the only images of non-binary or trans bodies he has seen are the typical porn actors (young, perfect, large breasts, large penis, totally staged orgasms, etc.) and he was so fascinated when I talked about liking to look at sexual/pornographic images of real regular non-cisgender people who have body hair and fat and whatever diverse genitalia and identities and partners they actually have. Like, he has no idea where to find that kind of thing, but I do (sort of)
In his world, he’s a man who secretly likes to wear women’s clothing and sometimes feels that he doesn’t fit his gender. But in my world, *she* might be a trans woman who wears *her own* clothing, and isn’t supported to be out about it. Or “they” and genderfluid, or whatever works, but certainly not “a man wearing women’s clothing”. We have two totally different paradigms, and it is a real challenge not to think about my point of view as being correct and his as being ignorant. I want to let him be in control of his identity and how and if he wants to redefine it as we start talking about the different terms that folks use.
The fact that he’s my biological parent is amazing because, OMFG it runs in the family! This is where I get it from! But it also makes boundary issues a little weird. Like, I want this beautiful person to have all the resources to have a safe and happy and validated feminine identity and sexuality for once in their life. But also, sharing porn search terms and how to buy lingerie with a parent is super weird right? He’s really into cute shoes, and I told him that he can have some of the fancy pairs I wore once to some event but aren’t comfortable enough to wear regularly. But then there’s the issue that for him, shoes are also I guess a sexual fetish thing? Sharing healthy sexuality resources is one thing, but sharing straight up masturbation material is kind of another thing. And it’s not like we have a script to model where to draw the lines in this relationship. Who even has a relationship like this with anyone ever? What are the chances? Well, I guess the chances are slightly better than strangers meeting, because we’re related and I probably supposedly inherited the gender thing from him. If I was reading this on the internet I would probably think it was fake, it is so unlikely. And I don’t know whether I will ever find another person with a similar experience who may be able to relate to how to help a parent with this kind of thing. But I am literally the third person he has ever come out to and the only one who has ever supported him in any way, so I’ve got to do a good job of it.
I am moving across the country at the end of the summer for my PhD program, which means that we only have a month or so for him to come over and safely do girly dress-up stuff. But being optimistic, if he ever comes to visit me he could theoretically go out in public in feminine clothing for the first time because there would be almost no chance of being outed to someone he knows. I want to take him to the local transgender resource center and feminist sex shop/education center before I go so he’ll have someone to answer questions I can’t (like how do you know what size bra to order?) But this is just such a huge and improbable thing, that I am pretty overwhelmed right now. On the one hand, there’s so much to do and so little time. On the other hand, there’s a real danger of going too far and transgressing parent/child boundaries in a way that may ruin everything. I guess it’ll have to come down to good communication and making it up as we go along.
TLDR: I accidentally came out to my mom’s sperm donor and it turns out he has a secret feminine identity, and now I am teaching my bio dad how to order bras online and find ethically produced porn and do makeup and stuff. It’s not typical, but I guess this is my relationship with my parent now?
Anonymous:
Do you know of any communities for parents of trans children online? I have my daily dose of trans related stories and advice right here to keep me informed and up to speed but my mother doesn't, and she benefits most when being able to discuss with others these rather "out of the ordinary" situations that arise from raising a trans kid. Hope you can help, thanks in advance!
theartoftransliness:
Zak: Yes, there are a couple of great online communities for parents of trans children (or parents of trans adults). Trans Youth Family Allies is probably the largest group that I know of for parents of trans people. They have a private, moderated online forum for parents of trans children ages 3-18. I can never find a link to their other forum for parents of trans adults, but I know it exists. I’d recommend contacting them at info@imatyfa.org to ask about it if your mother would be interested. They also have a ton of resources for parents, including resources in Spanish. Really I can’t talk this organization up enough.
Another organization that I’ve heard of but don’t know too much about is the Purple Rainbow Foundation. It looks like they are more aimed toward advocating for trans youth/families with trans children and educating the public about the needs of trans kids. Still, it seems as though they have some resources for parents, such as answers to some pretty common parent questions in their FAQ. I’m not sure if they have any forums.
Finally, I’d be remiss if I didn’t refer you to my mom’s blog. Though she mostly posts news and answers questions, she occasionally posts about being the parent of a trans person and is always willing to answer questions from other parents of trans people or refer them to resources.
Anonymous:
So no in my family really acknowledges That I'm a non binary trans man, and it's just making me depressed because I'm always around them. I don't really know what to do about it and it's making me want to k*** myself. I don't make it unknown either I've told them multiple times. I'm just trying to figure it out
Hey Anon, I don’t live with my family anymore, but they act & acted similar so I’ll tell you what process was helpful for me.
1. Ask yourself, what story do I have about my parents behavior (that is hurting me)?
Secondly, is this what is really going on?
For example, I realized I was expecting a certain behavior from them (acceptance) as if it were indicative of something (like how much they love me) and the reality is that is not what is happening.
Instead, what is happening is that they are going through their own incredibly complex mental process (just as I did when wrestling with my own identity). More than anything, I think my parents wanted me to be “normal” because they think normal means happy. If they looked too close at their own lives, they would realize that this is a lie they’ve told themselves, and me. My parents are famous for choosing to live in denial, and I have to respect that as a survival mechanism for them, even if it is shitty for me.
2. Work within their comfort zone and allow them time to process your identity.
Initially, I was writing emotional letters and trying to get them to speak with me, but that only made things worse.
When I talk to them now, I try to adjust to their level and keep things simple. A few months of doing this and they relaxed. While they still won’t talk openly about it, they have started to try to call me by my preferred name. I have learned to appreciate these small steps.
I think with more time, they’ll be willing to hear you when they are ready. Is this frustrating because you want and deserve better from your caretakers? Yes, but that is generally how maintaining relationships with family goes, in my experience.
3. Cultivate the support you deserve.
Obviously, realizing your parents aren’t going to act like parents leaves one feeling unsupported, and rightfully so, especially when you have to deal with them daily. I have found that creating a network of friends, queer-friendly co-workers, teachers, or local support groups forms the support you need while your family does their own thing.
4. Find a gender therapist.
Especially since you brought up thoughts of suicide, I’d recommend seeking out a gender therapist. The therapist can give you the support and recommendations you’ll need to start hormones, if you desire that. In addition, they can also provide education and validation of identity for your parents. (This sucks because you wish YOU were enough to validate your identity, but people are weird and sometimes need help understanding- from someone that isn’t their own child.)
With therapy, though, your family can process in their own time, you can start your process in your time, and you can still be surrounded by supportive people that understand and are educated about these issues.
5. Your answer ultimately is: You don’t have to do anything about it!
And it is not worth bashing your head against a wall, thinking you could be doing something more. It isn’t your responsibility to force them to accept you, and I don’t think you’d want it to be forced anyways. It will have to be a choice they make on their own time. Their lack of immediate acceptance bears no mark on how much they love you, or how much you should love yourself.
I’m sorry your situation is tough now, but they are not likely to act like this forever, you will not live with them forever, and things can get a hell of a lot better!!
-Kai
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(just putting in my two cents as someone whose family is now accepting and supportive of my gender and transition, after a year-long battle to get them to respect my trans identity.)
In my experience, parents want to ignore the trans thing for as long as they can, hoping it will go away. they are still attached to their relationship and perception of you as [given name], and they dont want to acknowledge that they might not be able to have quite that same relationship with you ever again.
Although you perceive it as progress, they take it as a loss. they dont know what the future holds for you or if you will be able to live a happy healthy life, find a partner, and do all the things they perceive as being part of living a good life. The uncertainty is terrible, whereas if you were cis all those problems would be avoided. your parents dont know of any trans people other than what they see on TV, and they’re probably terrified about the murder, suicide, and assault statistics of trans people and think that if they ignore it it will go away and they wont have to worry about you.
I got to a point where I basically had to tell my parents “if you dont want to have a relationship with me as who I actually am, you’re not going to have a relationship with your child.” I find at that point any parent who was going to come around starts to realize that this is not temporary and start to take steps toward change.
i want to also issue a disclaimer that not all parents do come around, and if you think there is a chance your family would react with abuse or kick you out of your home this should be avoided until you have a safe place to stay.
good luck,
-newt
