My nonbinary partner Manon has been having a really hard time recently. They moved to their father’s place to escape their abusive mother 5 years ago, only for their situation here to get worse and worse, to the extent that they’ve faced both emotional and physical violence. On top of that, Manon has several food allergies, for which their parents don’t accomodate properly, meaning that there’s constantly very little to eat for them without being sick.
They have stayed and my and their other partner’s place on and off over the last few months, but it’s gotten to a point where they need to leave their parent’s home quickly. We have made a plan to leave next week with just our suitcases (as I’m currently at their place for support), just taking the most important stuff, and having them stay at my place for now, getting their other stuff with a rented car eventually. Problem is, both of us are disabled and unable to work a proper job (I suffer from PTSD, BPD and DID, they have Dyspraxia, Depression, are on the autism spectrum and have physical and neurological disabilities) so our monetary means are very limited, not to mention that as a queer, disabled couple, me being a trans woman, we need accomodations and can’t just finance the move and live off the little social security I get, so we really need help to be able to bring Manon to a place where they can feel safe.
I really want to talk about the unbelievable day I just had, but I don’t want to risk outing someone IRL by posting on my own blog. (If there’s a way to anonymize this submission, I would appreciate it!)
I just had lunch with my biological dad (my mom and dad’s sperm donor) to celebrate Father’s Day. He is a long-time friend of the family, and we have seen each other a couple of times a year for the past several years.
In the course of conversation, I accidentally came out as being pansexual and some variation of non-binary or genderfluid. I said something along the lines of liking people “of all different genders” and he really resonated with that phrase.
He said “well, if you’re being totally open and honest with me, I’ll be open and honest with you about something I’ve never talked about before.“ It turns out that he has questioned his gender since he was a little kid, and regularly wears "women’s clothing” secretly under his other clothes or in the privacy of his basement when his wife is at work. He has only ever told two other people (including his current wife) and neither of them supported him at all so he just keeps it totally hidden. But I was PSYCHED! I am so excited! I invited him over to try on accessories and do makeup and all that stuff, and we got to have a great conversation about each of our gender adventures.
Since he’s never been part of an LGBTQ+ community or had any education that way, but I’ve had several Gender Studies classes at my university, we use pretty different vocabulary for things. Like, he had never heard about people requesting preferred pronouns or gender-neutral pronouns before (hence why I am continuing to use he/him pronouns for now: it’s brand new territory and he doesn’t seem ready to think about being called anything else yet!) He knew the phrase “shemale” and was somewhat vaguely aware of “FTM” but had never heard “trans woman” or that “trans women are real women” before I started talking about it. It sounds like the only images of non-binary or trans bodies he has seen are the typical porn actors (young, perfect, large breasts, large penis, totally staged orgasms, etc.) and he was so fascinated when I talked about liking to look at sexual/pornographic images of real regular non-cisgender people who have body hair and fat and whatever diverse genitalia and identities and partners they actually have. Like, he has no idea where to find that kind of thing, but I do (sort of)
In his world, he’s a man who secretly likes to wear women’s clothing and sometimes feels that he doesn’t fit his gender. But in my world, *she* might be a trans woman who wears *her own* clothing, and isn’t supported to be out about it. Or “they” and genderfluid, or whatever works, but certainly not “a man wearing women’s clothing”. We have two totally different paradigms, and it is a real challenge not to think about my point of view as being correct and his as being ignorant. I want to let him be in control of his identity and how and if he wants to redefine it as we start talking about the different terms that folks use.
The fact that he’s my biological parent is amazing because, OMFG it runs in the family! This is where I get it from! But it also makes boundary issues a little weird. Like, I want this beautiful person to have all the resources to have a safe and happy and validated feminine identity and sexuality for once in their life. But also, sharing porn search terms and how to buy lingerie with a parent is super weird right? He’s really into cute shoes, and I told him that he can have some of the fancy pairs I wore once to some event but aren’t comfortable enough to wear regularly. But then there’s the issue that for him, shoes are also I guess a sexual fetish thing? Sharing healthy sexuality resources is one thing, but sharing straight up masturbation material is kind of another thing. And it’s not like we have a script to model where to draw the lines in this relationship. Who even has a relationship like this with anyone ever? What are the chances? Well, I guess the chances are slightly better than strangers meeting, because we’re related and I probably supposedly inherited the gender thing from him. If I was reading this on the internet I would probably think it was fake, it is so unlikely. And I don’t know whether I will ever find another person with a similar experience who may be able to relate to how to help a parent with this kind of thing. But I am literally the third person he has ever come out to and the only one who has ever supported him in any way, so I’ve got to do a good job of it.
I am moving across the country at the end of the summer for my PhD program, which means that we only have a month or so for him to come over and safely do girly dress-up stuff. But being optimistic, if he ever comes to visit me he could theoretically go out in public in feminine clothing for the first time because there would be almost no chance of being outed to someone he knows. I want to take him to the local transgender resource center and feminist sex shop/education center before I go so he’ll have someone to answer questions I can’t (like how do you know what size bra to order?) But this is just such a huge and improbable thing, that I am pretty overwhelmed right now. On the one hand, there’s so much to do and so little time. On the other hand, there’s a real danger of going too far and transgressing parent/child boundaries in a way that may ruin everything. I guess it’ll have to come down to good communication and making it up as we go along.
TLDR: I accidentally came out to my mom’s sperm donor and it turns out he has a secret feminine identity, and now I am teaching my bio dad how to order bras online and find ethically produced porn and do makeup and stuff. It’s not typical, but I guess this is my relationship with my parent now?
4 chan users are planning to trigger transgender people by posting pictures and sending asks on tumblr. They are hoping to drive trans people to suicide. Here is a source. Be aware the bottom part of this page contains some really awful stuff so don’t…
TOO MUCH//NOT ENOUGH is a short art zine I’ve been working on for a while. It’s semi-political and nature and both abrasive and soft in tone, and expresses my feelings, opinions and experiences living as a genderqueer/non-binary transgender person.
If you would like to actually learn about this hate group and the awful things they do to trans people please visit TheTERFs or Name the TERFs for much more in depth info.
People who are given the X marker will be opening themselves up to discrimination (which is why parents should be able to choose an M or F marker for their child without having to operate on them), so this new law pressures parents to make quick decisions about sex assignment surgery for their newborn babies.
I’m sorry to post negative stuff to this blog but people need to stop praising Germany and thinking this was somehow a compassionate move on their part.
Well… here’s the tale of one young misunderstood gender variant child. Their struggle with trying to understand why society mocks them, their family’s struggle with acceptance, and the worlds struggle. The child’s father is forceful and extreme in some cases, while mother tries her best to help. By the end of it all… does it change?
This is quite possibly the best thing we’ve seen so far this month. Grab a box of tissues. This might hurt a bit.
Wow. In this powerful and emotional video, transgender high school student Zeam Porter delivers a moving speech about the way policies surrounding transgender students and sports teams have affected them.
Click the title to view the video of Porter’s speech.
Whether it be a partner, child, friend, or parent watching any loved one suffer is difficult. Watching someone you love struggle with dysphoria can be extremely heart-wrenching and you may find yourself wondering what you can do or say to make it better. Here are some tips I’ve compiled based on my own experiences.
Know you cannot fix it or make it go away As great at it would be there is nothing a person can say to make dysphoria simply go away. You might be able to help temporarily relieve it but it will not go away.
Listen Listen to your loved one. Listen to them rant. To them cry. To them be angry. Listen. Be a safe place to listen to them. You don’t need to offer advice or solutions or reply with profound words of wisdom. You can simply be there to listen.
Do What They Ask If they have asked you to use certain pronouns or a chosen name or avoid certain words to describe them, etc. then do it. It might be hard for you to adjust but you need to do it. Remember it’s not about you but it is about them. Do what they need you to do.
Treat them as People Just because they are suffering from dysphoria does not mean they are not people with a variety of emotions, experiences, and personality traits. Make sure you treat as the person they are. Pay attention to all parts of their life and don’t treat them as fragile all the time. They are not their dysphoria. That is simply part of their experience.
