Anonymous:

Do you know of any communities for parents of trans children online? I have my daily dose of trans related stories and advice right here to keep me informed and up to speed but my mother doesn't, and she benefits most when being able to discuss with others these rather "out of the ordinary" situations that arise from raising a trans kid. Hope you can help, thanks in advance!

theartoftransliness:

Zak: Yes, there are a couple of great online communities for parents of trans children (or parents of trans adults). Trans Youth Family Allies is probably the largest group that I know of for parents of trans people. They have a private, moderated online forum for parents of trans children ages 3-18. I can never find a link to their other forum for parents of trans adults, but I know it exists. I’d recommend contacting them at info@imatyfa.org to ask about it if your mother would be interested. They also have a ton of resources for parents, including resources in Spanish. Really I can’t talk this organization up enough. 

Another organization that I’ve heard of but don’t know too much about is the Purple Rainbow Foundation. It looks like they are more aimed toward advocating for trans youth/families with trans children and educating the public about the needs of trans kids. Still, it seems as though they have some resources for parents, such as answers to some pretty common parent questions in their FAQ. I’m not sure if they have any forums. 

Finally, I’d be remiss if I didn’t refer you to my mom’s blog. Though she mostly posts news and answers questions, she occasionally posts about being the parent of a trans person and is always willing to answer questions from other parents of trans people or refer them to resources. 

Anonymous:

So my father for whatever reason (I haven't talked about it with him in a while) just called me son (when usually he says because he knows it will depress me "if you were my son") and he didn't say it like he thought it was true, he said it as if it was a joke. And I don't know how to feel towards it. Since now I just feel like I wouldn't even want him to know I'm nb trans.

Well, it sounds like you don’t know what your dad’s motivations are, so I wouldn’t jump to conclusions. Maybe next time it comes up, ask him in a neutral tone what he means by it. The conversation doesn’t have to go further than that if you don’t want it to.

As far as feelings, it sounds like you feel sad / weird / hurt about it, since you’re perceiving him as joking or ‘trying to depress you’, not being kind or reaffirming. And that’s okay to feel, no matter his true intent.

If you don’t feel safe coming out to him, then don’t! You’re under no obligation to, and it should be on your own time, when you feel personally ready. I hope this was helpful.

-Kai

Anonymous:

Hi, new (AFAB) follower here. About a year ago I started researching gender, and I figured out that I have felt dysphoria about my chest since, well, puberty. So, the obvious thing was that I was then male, right? I tried to talk to my mom (I don't have contact with my dad) about it, but I worded it really badly. My mom is really cool with LGBT+ things and also a feminist so she doesn't think that masculine things = male, and neither do I. We didn't really talk about it later, (1/4)

(cont.) “but I kept digging, because while male fit better than female, it still wasn’t RIGHT. I am now pretty content to name myself genderqueer, in that it’s just a big ball of constantly changing question marks. I have since come out to some of my very close friends about it and talking to them really helps. However, I really want to come out properly to my mom (and after that my two amazing sisters).
Recently she asked if I still wanted to be a boy and I just shrugged, because I don’t want to be female, but I also don’t really want to be male. She then said that it was just me still having to get used to my changed body, but I know it isn’t, having talking to my cisfriends about my dysphoria. I also don’t know if she knows about nb identities and how she feels about it. I know that she’ll support me if only I could explain it right, but I have no idea how to start the conversation because i botched the last one so badly. 
Do you have any tips about starting the conversation (like an opening sentence or something), explaining dysphoria, and explaining nb identities? I KNOW my mom will support me if I explain it right, but I just don’t know HOW. Please help and thank you very much.”
                                                             ——

It sounds like you’re going through the normal process of navigating your identity, and that involves trying on different identifiers, clothes, etc and seeing what feels best for you.

Since it’s normal to be trying on new identities while you grow up, this might be a good place to start. I’ll throw out some words for you, though. 

“I’m in the process of figuring out who I am, and it is very weird. I know for sure that identifying as female is not comfortable for me. I initially thought, well, I must be a boy, because it’s the logical answer if I wasn’t female, right? But the more I look the more I see that it’s more complicated than that because I can’t use what culture gives me to determine how I personally feel within my own body.

Part of those cultural beliefs include the idea that gender is binary, that people are either male or female. We also think that feeling or being male or female is determined by what’s between the legs, but that isn’t true, it’s determined by who you are. There are people who identify as non-binary or genderqueer- they feel like they don’t exist on either end of that spectrum, and instead are either in the middle somewhere or not on the chart at all ~ !

Really, there are two main aspects to feeling one’s gender: how you feel personally within (or about) your own body, and what you feel comfortable identifying with in the mind. 

Ultimately the goal is to align these things:
With the mind, aligning yourself with whatever is really true for you, instead of acting on avoidance or denial. 
With the body, dressing it and acting on it in whatever way makes it (and you) feel the best.

(The following is for me personally, but as an example:)

When I think about my mind, my gender is not a fixed point in space-time. I’ve narrowed it down to being in the nebulous cloud of “sometimes masculine, not very gendered”. I even made a graph  for myself at one point. When I think about the mind, I often say to myself, “I’m genderqueer.”

When I think about my body, I feel the distinct want to appear and feel male, and that is why I started hormones. And since starting hormones, I’m slightly more likely to say “I’m a genderqueer trans guy”, but my comfort levels with that are always in flux. I do my best to honor whatever feels true in the moment when people ask me for identifiers.

I told my grandma, “I want you to be understanding and supportive while I am navigating this for myself. It’s confusing and difficult, and I want to take my time to explore what is true for me, so I can do what is best for myself. And I want to know I have your love and support while I do that.” 

I always find that direct requests with things like this avoid a stressed parent wondering what to do. Often I just want to be told I’m still loved! Good luck with the conversation with your mother, and feel to steal and much or little of my words as you’d like.

-Kai

__________________________________________

well first off, you’re really lucky to have a mom who is (or could be) so understanding and supportive, so I think that’s a really good place to be starting from.

by her bringing it up previously, she’s already given you kind of an in. you could start off by saying something like, "mom? you know how you asked me the other day if I wanted to be a boy? well, I dont.” and then something like “but you were kind of heading in the right direction..” or “but i have been meaning to talk to you about my gender” and then lead into explaining that there are people who dont identify with their assigned gender but also dont identify with the other binary gender either. 

I say this all the time and I’ll say it again - arm yourself with resources! we have a friends and family section of links explaining nonbinary genders for cisgender people, and there are many others out there if you spend some time googling. if you could find one piece summarizing what genderqueer is that you think would be easily digestible that would be great, because you could print it off and give it to her during your conversation. otherwise you could write down some links, or send her links over facebook or something. 

keep in mind that coming out as nonbinary often isnt just one conversation. you’ll probably wind up having many conversations over the course of the next few months after that, in which you can discuss more specific aspects of your gender. so for the first conversation, just try to make your language as concise and easily understandable as possible so she can get her feet wet.

good luck!!

-newt

Anonymous:

So no in my family really acknowledges That I'm a non binary trans man, and it's just making me depressed because I'm always around them. I don't really know what to do about it and it's making me want to k*** myself. I don't make it unknown either I've told them multiple times. I'm just trying to figure it out

Hey Anon, I don’t live with my family anymore, but they act & acted similar so I’ll tell you what process was helpful for me.

1. Ask yourself, what story do I have about my parents behavior (that is hurting me)?

Secondly, is this what is really going on?

For example, I realized I was expecting a certain behavior from them (acceptance) as if it were indicative of something (like how much they love me) and the reality is that is not what is happening.

Instead, what is happening is that they are going through their own incredibly complex mental process (just as I did when wrestling with my own identity). More than anything, I think my parents wanted me to be “normal” because they think normal means happy. If they looked too close at their own lives, they would realize that this is a lie they’ve told themselves, and me. My parents are famous for choosing to live in denial, and I have to respect that as a survival mechanism for them, even if it is shitty for me.

2. Work within their comfort zone and allow them time to process your identity.

Initially, I was writing emotional letters and trying to get them to speak with me, but that only made things worse.
When I talk to them now, I try to adjust to their level and keep things simple. A few months of doing this and they relaxed. While they still won’t talk openly about it, they have started to try to call me by my preferred name. I have learned to appreciate these small steps.

I think with more time, they’ll be willing to hear you when they are ready. Is this frustrating because you want and deserve better from your caretakers? Yes, but that is generally how maintaining relationships with family goes, in my experience. 

3. Cultivate the support you deserve.

Obviously, realizing your parents aren’t going to act like parents leaves one feeling unsupported, and rightfully so, especially when you have to deal with them daily. I have found that creating a network of friends, queer-friendly co-workers, teachers, or local support groups forms the support you need while your family does their own thing. 

4. Find a gender therapist.

Especially since you brought up thoughts of suicide, I’d recommend seeking out a gender therapist. The therapist can give you the support and recommendations you’ll need to start hormones, if you desire that. In addition, they can also provide education and validation of identity for your parents. (This sucks because you wish YOU were enough to validate your identity, but people are weird and sometimes need help understanding- from someone that isn’t their own child.) 

With therapy, though, your family can process in their own time, you can start your process in your time, and you can still be surrounded by supportive people that understand and are educated about these issues. 

5. Your answer ultimately is: You don’t have to do anything about it! 

And it is not worth bashing your head against a wall, thinking you could be doing something more. It isn’t your responsibility to force them to accept you, and I don’t think you’d want it to be forced anyways. It will have to be a choice they make on their own time. Their lack of immediate acceptance bears no mark on how much they love you, or how much you should love yourself. 

I’m sorry your situation is tough now, but they are not likely to act like this forever, you will not live with them forever, and things can get a hell of a lot better!! 

-Kai
_________________________________

(just putting in my two cents as someone whose family is now accepting and supportive of my gender and transition, after a year-long battle to get them to respect my trans identity.)

In my experience, parents want to ignore the trans thing for as long as they can, hoping it will go away. they are still attached to their relationship and perception of you as [given name], and they dont want to acknowledge that they might not be able to have quite that same relationship with you ever again.

Although you perceive it as progress, they take it as a loss. they dont know what the future holds for you or if you will be able to live a happy healthy life, find a partner, and do all the things they perceive as being part of living a good life. The uncertainty is terrible, whereas if you were cis all those problems would be avoided. your parents dont know of any trans people other than what they see on TV, and they’re probably terrified about the murder, suicide, and assault statistics of trans people and think that if they ignore it it will go away and they wont have to worry about you.

I got to a point where I basically had to tell my parents “if you dont want to have a relationship with me as who I actually am, you’re not going to have a relationship with your child.” I find at that point any parent who was going to come around starts to realize that this is not temporary and start to take steps toward change.

i want to also issue a disclaimer that not all parents do come around, and if you think there is a chance your family would react with abuse or kick you out of your home this should be avoided until you have a safe place to stay.

good luck,

-newt

Anonymous:

Could you give me some good reasons why it's ok to bind for gender and non gender (my father doesn't think it the right thing and it's making me more and more depressed)

Definitely. It is fine to bind no matter who you are because binding is a matter of gender expression, not an indicator for your identified gender. For me, binding is primarily an expression of the body rather than the mind. It is what makes my body feel the most comfortable, and then consequently, brings my mind ease.

I mean, both gender-identified and agender people dress themselves, and they still have expression and they still choose what to look like. That is all you are doing when you bind: choosing how you are looking. And that is no one’s decision but yours. 

In short, if this were my father, I would tell him, “It is how I feel comfortable.” and make the argument that it doesn’t matter who I am or what gender I identify as, I deserve to be comfortable and make decisions about my own body.

[There are right and wrong ways to bind, though, and you should be sure you aren’t hurting your body. Binding with bandages can be dangerous and harm the body; binders or compression sports bras are generally what I use.]

All the best,
-Kai