Facebook Adds Gender-Neutral Terms for Family Members
woot woot!!! (bout time)
Anonymous:
Do you know of any communities for parents of trans children online? I have my daily dose of trans related stories and advice right here to keep me informed and up to speed but my mother doesn't, and she benefits most when being able to discuss with others these rather "out of the ordinary" situations that arise from raising a trans kid. Hope you can help, thanks in advance!
Zak: Yes, there are a couple of great online communities for parents of trans children (or parents of trans adults). Trans Youth Family Allies is probably the largest group that I know of for parents of trans people. They have a private, moderated online forum for parents of trans children ages 3-18. I can never find a link to their other forum for parents of trans adults, but I know it exists. I’d recommend contacting them at info@imatyfa.org to ask about it if your mother would be interested. They also have a ton of resources for parents, including resources in Spanish. Really I can’t talk this organization up enough.
Another organization that I’ve heard of but don’t know too much about is the Purple Rainbow Foundation. It looks like they are more aimed toward advocating for trans youth/families with trans children and educating the public about the needs of trans kids. Still, it seems as though they have some resources for parents, such as answers to some pretty common parent questions in their FAQ. I’m not sure if they have any forums.
Finally, I’d be remiss if I didn’t refer you to my mom’s blog. Though she mostly posts news and answers questions, she occasionally posts about being the parent of a trans person and is always willing to answer questions from other parents of trans people or refer them to resources.
Anonymous:
Hi, new (AFAB) follower here. About a year ago I started researching gender, and I figured out that I have felt dysphoria about my chest since, well, puberty. So, the obvious thing was that I was then male, right? I tried to talk to my mom (I don't have contact with my dad) about it, but I worded it really badly. My mom is really cool with LGBT+ things and also a feminist so she doesn't think that masculine things = male, and neither do I. We didn't really talk about it later, (1/4)
(cont.) “but I kept digging, because while male fit better than female, it still wasn’t RIGHT. I am now pretty content to name myself genderqueer, in that it’s just a big ball of constantly changing question marks. I have since come out to some of my very close friends about it and talking to them really helps. However, I really want to come out properly to my mom (and after that my two amazing sisters).
Recently she asked if I still wanted to be a boy and I just shrugged, because I don’t want to be female, but I also don’t really want to be male. She then said that it was just me still having to get used to my changed body, but I know it isn’t, having talking to my cisfriends about my dysphoria. I also don’t know if she knows about nb identities and how she feels about it. I know that she’ll support me if only I could explain it right, but I have no idea how to start the conversation because i botched the last one so badly.
Do you have any tips about starting the conversation (like an opening sentence or something), explaining dysphoria, and explaining nb identities? I KNOW my mom will support me if I explain it right, but I just don’t know HOW. Please help and thank you very much.”
——
It sounds like you’re going through the normal process of navigating your identity, and that involves trying on different identifiers, clothes, etc and seeing what feels best for you.
Since it’s normal to be trying on new identities while you grow up, this might be a good place to start. I’ll throw out some words for you, though.
“I’m in the process of figuring out who I am, and it is very weird. I know for sure that identifying as female is not comfortable for me. I initially thought, well, I must be a boy, because it’s the logical answer if I wasn’t female, right? But the more I look the more I see that it’s more complicated than that because I can’t use what culture gives me to determine how I personally feel within my own body.
Part of those cultural beliefs include the idea that gender is binary, that people are either male or female. We also think that feeling or being male or female is determined by what’s between the legs, but that isn’t true, it’s determined by who you are. There are people who identify as non-binary or genderqueer- they feel like they don’t exist on either end of that spectrum, and instead are either in the middle somewhere or not on the chart at all ~ !
Really, there are two main aspects to feeling one’s gender: how you feel personally within (or about) your own body, and what you feel comfortable identifying with in the mind.
Ultimately the goal is to align these things:
With the mind, aligning yourself with whatever is really true for you, instead of acting on avoidance or denial.
With the body, dressing it and acting on it in whatever way makes it (and you) feel the best.
(The following is for me personally, but as an example:)
When I think about my mind, my gender is not a fixed point in space-time. I’ve narrowed it down to being in the nebulous cloud of “sometimes masculine, not very gendered”. I even made a graph for myself at one point. When I think about the mind, I often say to myself, “I’m genderqueer.”
When I think about my body, I feel the distinct want to appear and feel male, and that is why I started hormones. And since starting hormones, I’m slightly more likely to say “I’m a genderqueer trans guy”, but my comfort levels with that are always in flux. I do my best to honor whatever feels true in the moment when people ask me for identifiers.
I told my grandma, “I want you to be understanding and supportive while I am navigating this for myself. It’s confusing and difficult, and I want to take my time to explore what is true for me, so I can do what is best for myself. And I want to know I have your love and support while I do that.”
I always find that direct requests with things like this avoid a stressed parent wondering what to do. Often I just want to be told I’m still loved! Good luck with the conversation with your mother, and feel to steal and much or little of my words as you’d like.
-Kai
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well first off, you’re really lucky to have a mom who is (or could be) so understanding and supportive, so I think that’s a really good place to be starting from.
by her bringing it up previously, she’s already given you kind of an in. you could start off by saying something like, "mom? you know how you asked me the other day if I wanted to be a boy? well, I dont.” and then something like “but you were kind of heading in the right direction..” or “but i have been meaning to talk to you about my gender” and then lead into explaining that there are people who dont identify with their assigned gender but also dont identify with the other binary gender either.
I say this all the time and I’ll say it again - arm yourself with resources! we have a friends and family section of links explaining nonbinary genders for cisgender people, and there are many others out there if you spend some time googling. if you could find one piece summarizing what genderqueer is that you think would be easily digestible that would be great, because you could print it off and give it to her during your conversation. otherwise you could write down some links, or send her links over facebook or something.
keep in mind that coming out as nonbinary often isnt just one conversation. you’ll probably wind up having many conversations over the course of the next few months after that, in which you can discuss more specific aspects of your gender. so for the first conversation, just try to make your language as concise and easily understandable as possible so she can get her feet wet.
good luck!!
-newt
Anonymous:
How do you handle people accidentally outing you to someone you wanted to tell yourself? My friend just accidentally outed me to mutual friend of ours, and I really wanted to tell the mutual friend myself...
I would explain to the friend that it wasn’t cool, because you’d rather have control over your own coming-out process, which involves who you tell, and when.
Whether it is a matter of safety or preference, someone else outing you takes the control away from you and your journey. It can be scary if you didn’t intend to tell that person, or were waiting for a more opportune time. Your friend may have not thought of this because it was a mutual friend, but it wouldn’t be inappropriate to give them a gentle reminder: “Please don’t out my identity to others because I want to tell them when I am ready.”
-Kai
