Get an FTM on the cover of Men's Health
Transman Aydian Dowling is about to get on the cover of Men’s Health magazine if he can stay at number one - please vote for him everyday!
http://ultimateguy.menshealth.com/entry/347/
My Self-Made Man: Falling in Love with My Transgender Husband
“I first met Liam in a coffee shop in my Bronx neighborhood three years ago. When he started a casual conversation in line, I was struck by his country-boy charm and cute gap-toothed grin. "What’s your name?” I asked. His slow, swaying voice sped up: “Liam, but that’s a recent thing because I’m transitioning—I’m transgender. I was born a girl, but I’ve always known I was a guy. Is that OK?” From looking at him, I never would have known about his recent past. “Of course,” I said, posturing behind my liberalism and years of gender studies classes. But I wasn’t actually so confident. While I’d met other transgender people, Liam was the first to come out to me directly. I felt like I was handed a live grenade—weren’t confessions like that supposed to be explosive?“
Anonymous:
So no in my family really acknowledges That I'm a non binary trans man, and it's just making me depressed because I'm always around them. I don't really know what to do about it and it's making me want to k*** myself. I don't make it unknown either I've told them multiple times. I'm just trying to figure it out
Hey Anon, I don’t live with my family anymore, but they act & acted similar so I’ll tell you what process was helpful for me.
1. Ask yourself, what story do I have about my parents behavior (that is hurting me)?
Secondly, is this what is really going on?
For example, I realized I was expecting a certain behavior from them (acceptance) as if it were indicative of something (like how much they love me) and the reality is that is not what is happening.
Instead, what is happening is that they are going through their own incredibly complex mental process (just as I did when wrestling with my own identity). More than anything, I think my parents wanted me to be “normal” because they think normal means happy. If they looked too close at their own lives, they would realize that this is a lie they’ve told themselves, and me. My parents are famous for choosing to live in denial, and I have to respect that as a survival mechanism for them, even if it is shitty for me.
2. Work within their comfort zone and allow them time to process your identity.
Initially, I was writing emotional letters and trying to get them to speak with me, but that only made things worse.
When I talk to them now, I try to adjust to their level and keep things simple. A few months of doing this and they relaxed. While they still won’t talk openly about it, they have started to try to call me by my preferred name. I have learned to appreciate these small steps.
I think with more time, they’ll be willing to hear you when they are ready. Is this frustrating because you want and deserve better from your caretakers? Yes, but that is generally how maintaining relationships with family goes, in my experience.
3. Cultivate the support you deserve.
Obviously, realizing your parents aren’t going to act like parents leaves one feeling unsupported, and rightfully so, especially when you have to deal with them daily. I have found that creating a network of friends, queer-friendly co-workers, teachers, or local support groups forms the support you need while your family does their own thing.
4. Find a gender therapist.
Especially since you brought up thoughts of suicide, I’d recommend seeking out a gender therapist. The therapist can give you the support and recommendations you’ll need to start hormones, if you desire that. In addition, they can also provide education and validation of identity for your parents. (This sucks because you wish YOU were enough to validate your identity, but people are weird and sometimes need help understanding- from someone that isn’t their own child.)
With therapy, though, your family can process in their own time, you can start your process in your time, and you can still be surrounded by supportive people that understand and are educated about these issues.
5. Your answer ultimately is: You don’t have to do anything about it!
And it is not worth bashing your head against a wall, thinking you could be doing something more. It isn’t your responsibility to force them to accept you, and I don’t think you’d want it to be forced anyways. It will have to be a choice they make on their own time. Their lack of immediate acceptance bears no mark on how much they love you, or how much you should love yourself.
I’m sorry your situation is tough now, but they are not likely to act like this forever, you will not live with them forever, and things can get a hell of a lot better!!
-Kai
_________________________________
(just putting in my two cents as someone whose family is now accepting and supportive of my gender and transition, after a year-long battle to get them to respect my trans identity.)
In my experience, parents want to ignore the trans thing for as long as they can, hoping it will go away. they are still attached to their relationship and perception of you as [given name], and they dont want to acknowledge that they might not be able to have quite that same relationship with you ever again.
Although you perceive it as progress, they take it as a loss. they dont know what the future holds for you or if you will be able to live a happy healthy life, find a partner, and do all the things they perceive as being part of living a good life. The uncertainty is terrible, whereas if you were cis all those problems would be avoided. your parents dont know of any trans people other than what they see on TV, and they’re probably terrified about the murder, suicide, and assault statistics of trans people and think that if they ignore it it will go away and they wont have to worry about you.
I got to a point where I basically had to tell my parents “if you dont want to have a relationship with me as who I actually am, you’re not going to have a relationship with your child.” I find at that point any parent who was going to come around starts to realize that this is not temporary and start to take steps toward change.
i want to also issue a disclaimer that not all parents do come around, and if you think there is a chance your family would react with abuse or kick you out of your home this should be avoided until you have a safe place to stay.
good luck,
-newt
