Anonymous:
So recently, I've been feeling like I might be genderfluid, but I can't tell if what I'm feeling is an actual change in gender, or whether I'm just tricking myself into thinking it is. Is there any way to know for sure? Also, I'm a bit confused about the idea of gender in general; what makes someone a specific gender, etc. For example, I know today I feel different than yesterday, but I can't tell if what I'm feeling is a change in gender or not. Thank you for your time and help!
Ah, I know this feeling all too well. Gender is not a very solid experience for me either. In fact, it’s quite elusive to pin down.
Is there any way to know for sure? Well, I’d say not really. There is a lot of cultural ideas getting in the way of a cognitive exploration of gender, so thinking about it with the mind often gets me nowhere but frustrated. Instead, if I feel noticeably different one day, I’ll take some time to sit and feel whatever those feelings are. Sometimes they feel more masculine or more feminine, or totally neutral, and I’ve settled in a place of realizing that’s probably how it’s always going to be.
I settled on the identifier genderqueer because it seems the most broad and a broad term is what feels best for me. If you like the term gender fluid, go for it. If you need validation, it seems like that would suit you. Ultimately your identifier is what feels most true / comfortable for you!
-Kai
Anonymous:
Hi. Been having issues with my gender identity. Thought I was a cis woman but new trans friends/research made me unsure whether I really am or just assumed b/c that's what I've always been called. Try to think about my experience of gender & can't really find anything- only feel like "one of the girls" when targeted by sexism. I don't know if that's b/c I don't personally grasp "gender" as an emotional idea, I'm a fish that doesn't understand water, or I'm agender. Any advice would be helpful?
i actually realized I was genderqueer when my friend came out to me that they were - which is also the same time i’d ever heard the word or been exposed to the idea of nonbinary gender.
when I came out as trans, not a single one of my cis friends started questioning their genders because of it. that’s because they’re cis. the definition of cis is that they are comfortable being cis. if the sudden exposure to the idea of trans identities is making you second guess yourself, there’s probably a reason for that. especially if it’s to the point where you’re actively researching it and asking questions about it on nonbinary blogs :P
ask yourself, “what about this resonates with me? why do i feel compelled to explore this?” if you dont feel like you “grasp gender as an emotional idea”, that definitely sounds like agender to me. if you’re trying to find an identity that fits, it’s ok to ask a few (safe) friends to test out pronouns or identifiers for you. just say like “for the next 2 weeks/month I want you to call me [they pronouns or whatever] because i want to see if those pronouns would be more comfortable”
also try standing infront of a mirror and saying different statements about yourself (i.e. “I am a girl”/”I am a boy”/”I am agender”… etc.) and see how those words make you feel.
I hope this helps!
-newt
Anonymous:
Hi, new (AFAB) follower here. About a year ago I started researching gender, and I figured out that I have felt dysphoria about my chest since, well, puberty. So, the obvious thing was that I was then male, right? I tried to talk to my mom (I don't have contact with my dad) about it, but I worded it really badly. My mom is really cool with LGBT+ things and also a feminist so she doesn't think that masculine things = male, and neither do I. We didn't really talk about it later, (1/4)
(cont.) “but I kept digging, because while male fit better than female, it still wasn’t RIGHT. I am now pretty content to name myself genderqueer, in that it’s just a big ball of constantly changing question marks. I have since come out to some of my very close friends about it and talking to them really helps. However, I really want to come out properly to my mom (and after that my two amazing sisters).
Recently she asked if I still wanted to be a boy and I just shrugged, because I don’t want to be female, but I also don’t really want to be male. She then said that it was just me still having to get used to my changed body, but I know it isn’t, having talking to my cisfriends about my dysphoria. I also don’t know if she knows about nb identities and how she feels about it. I know that she’ll support me if only I could explain it right, but I have no idea how to start the conversation because i botched the last one so badly.
Do you have any tips about starting the conversation (like an opening sentence or something), explaining dysphoria, and explaining nb identities? I KNOW my mom will support me if I explain it right, but I just don’t know HOW. Please help and thank you very much.”
——
It sounds like you’re going through the normal process of navigating your identity, and that involves trying on different identifiers, clothes, etc and seeing what feels best for you.
Since it’s normal to be trying on new identities while you grow up, this might be a good place to start. I’ll throw out some words for you, though.
“I’m in the process of figuring out who I am, and it is very weird. I know for sure that identifying as female is not comfortable for me. I initially thought, well, I must be a boy, because it’s the logical answer if I wasn’t female, right? But the more I look the more I see that it’s more complicated than that because I can’t use what culture gives me to determine how I personally feel within my own body.
Part of those cultural beliefs include the idea that gender is binary, that people are either male or female. We also think that feeling or being male or female is determined by what’s between the legs, but that isn’t true, it’s determined by who you are. There are people who identify as non-binary or genderqueer- they feel like they don’t exist on either end of that spectrum, and instead are either in the middle somewhere or not on the chart at all ~ !
Really, there are two main aspects to feeling one’s gender: how you feel personally within (or about) your own body, and what you feel comfortable identifying with in the mind.
Ultimately the goal is to align these things:
With the mind, aligning yourself with whatever is really true for you, instead of acting on avoidance or denial.
With the body, dressing it and acting on it in whatever way makes it (and you) feel the best.
(The following is for me personally, but as an example:)
When I think about my mind, my gender is not a fixed point in space-time. I’ve narrowed it down to being in the nebulous cloud of “sometimes masculine, not very gendered”. I even made a graph for myself at one point. When I think about the mind, I often say to myself, “I’m genderqueer.”
When I think about my body, I feel the distinct want to appear and feel male, and that is why I started hormones. And since starting hormones, I’m slightly more likely to say “I’m a genderqueer trans guy”, but my comfort levels with that are always in flux. I do my best to honor whatever feels true in the moment when people ask me for identifiers.
I told my grandma, “I want you to be understanding and supportive while I am navigating this for myself. It’s confusing and difficult, and I want to take my time to explore what is true for me, so I can do what is best for myself. And I want to know I have your love and support while I do that.”
I always find that direct requests with things like this avoid a stressed parent wondering what to do. Often I just want to be told I’m still loved! Good luck with the conversation with your mother, and feel to steal and much or little of my words as you’d like.
-Kai
__________________________________________
well first off, you’re really lucky to have a mom who is (or could be) so understanding and supportive, so I think that’s a really good place to be starting from.
by her bringing it up previously, she’s already given you kind of an in. you could start off by saying something like, "mom? you know how you asked me the other day if I wanted to be a boy? well, I dont.” and then something like “but you were kind of heading in the right direction..” or “but i have been meaning to talk to you about my gender” and then lead into explaining that there are people who dont identify with their assigned gender but also dont identify with the other binary gender either.
I say this all the time and I’ll say it again - arm yourself with resources! we have a friends and family section of links explaining nonbinary genders for cisgender people, and there are many others out there if you spend some time googling. if you could find one piece summarizing what genderqueer is that you think would be easily digestible that would be great, because you could print it off and give it to her during your conversation. otherwise you could write down some links, or send her links over facebook or something.
keep in mind that coming out as nonbinary often isnt just one conversation. you’ll probably wind up having many conversations over the course of the next few months after that, in which you can discuss more specific aspects of your gender. so for the first conversation, just try to make your language as concise and easily understandable as possible so she can get her feet wet.
good luck!!
-newt
Wow, the whole feeling "not trans enough" definitely hits it on the head. What was your process like to choose/ or accept either side? How do you deal with the uncertainty of not being able to decide/ or feeling like you have to? Is it just some unrealistic societal expectation?
[This is my experience as an AFAB genderqueer person who experiences a lot of body dysphoria but no consistent mental gender.]
((“What was your process like to choose/ or accept either side?”))
At first, I didn’t.
When I asked my classmates to call me Kai & use male pronouns, I told them I was exploring my identity and didn’t want to give a solid identifier because that didn’t feel comfortable. (For sure, this made everyone else uncomfortable, and I had to live with that for a while.)
Initially, it was feelings about my body- switching to wearing masculine clothes and getting some relief from dysphoria- that brought the whole YOU ARE TRANS thing to the forefront of my life. It was like remembering something I had forgotten about myself, and it was painful. But these feelings were definitely centered around the body, not the mind.
Much of my suffering from this point on, though, came from the mind. The mind wanted to just figure it out, as if there was some solid thing to figure out. I drove myself mad thinking, What am I? and trying to measure this with puzzle pieces from my culture. But as I felt different day to day, I realized there was going to be no way of reliably measuring myself, even if the pieces from my culture were indicative of something. It was like building a card-castle with the windows open during a hurricane.
I decided to go on the assumption that what my culture appraises as masculine and feminine is arbitrary and essentially empty of meaning or value when it comes to appraising my own body and lived experience.
I shifted gears and started asking the body what it felt.
In doing this, I got the very clear message that the body did not want to be developing as female and this must stop immediately please. Even though I was on the fence about the gender of my mind (or even how to determine the gender of my mind) I decided to take on the role of a loving parent and act on what felt best for the body.
For me, it wasn’t until the day I started hormones that the identifier transgender started to be more comfortable, and that the identifier of “transboy” felt a bit more “valid” in my mind (and validated, from a medical / psychological standpoint).
((How do you deal with the uncertainty of not being able to decide/ or feeling like you have to?))
When I give identifiers for myself, I am giving an answer for whatever is true in the moment. Then, I don’t have to decide a damn thing, other than what is true at that very second. I realized that I just didn’t need to be suffering so much by pressuring myself to pick something that will be true in the future. I ain’t no future teller!
I practice mindfulness & meditation and that has been really helpful for me. I set aside time to allow these things to be felt completely and brought into a place of acceptance. But the word practice is really important, because feeling these things, practicing non-judgement towards yourself, feeling compassion for yourself and your history, being more comfortable with the groundlessness of identity…they are really difficult and really do require practice.
((Is it just some unrealistic societal expectation?))
In my personal opinion, yes.
In America and many other places in the world, there is a lot of pressure on one to “figure out who they are”, as if this we have these solid, unchanging traits that are there for us to discover and take ownership of. Our culture gives us the impression that it is possible to identify or “BE” just one thing consistently throughout time.
The problem is, this is not how the universe, or people, work. We are constantly learning, changing, growing, etc.
When I’m really in touch with myself, both body and mind, I feel such a multitude of things! I panic because I feel that I “shouldn’t” be feeling so many things, because my culture says I should be experiencing something else.
But the reality is, I am feeling it. And I only hurt myself by denying what is really going on within me.
So at the core of that “identity panic” for me is the unrealistic belief that I’ve indeed internalized from my culture: that my identity is a static thing that can be “found”. And in my experience, it can’t be.
It can only be felt.
-Kai
