crossdreamers:

There is no sharp division between male and female brains, according to researchers who found that we are all a mixture instead. 

Read more about this research over at Crossdreamers.com.

[This is my experience as an AFAB genderqueer person who experiences a lot of body dysphoria but no consistent mental gender.]

((“What was your process like to choose/ or accept either side?”))

At first, I didn’t.
When I asked my classmates to call me Kai & use male pronouns, I told them I was exploring my identity and didn’t want to give a solid identifier because that didn’t feel comfortable. (For sure, this made everyone else uncomfortable, and I had to live with that for a while.)

Initially, it was feelings about my body- switching to wearing masculine clothes and getting some relief from dysphoria- that brought the whole YOU ARE TRANS thing to the forefront of my life. It was like remembering something I had forgotten about myself, and it was painful. But these feelings were definitely centered around the body, not the mind.

Much of my suffering from this point on, though, came from the mind. The mind wanted to just figure it out, as if there was some solid thing to figure out. I drove myself mad thinking, What am I? and trying to measure this with puzzle pieces from my culture. But as I felt different day to day, I realized there was going to be no way of reliably measuring myself, even if the pieces from my culture were indicative of something. It was like building a card-castle with the windows open during a hurricane.

I decided to go on the assumption that what my culture appraises as masculine and feminine is arbitrary and essentially empty of meaning or value when it comes to appraising my own body and lived experience. 

I shifted gears and started asking the body what it felt.

In doing this, I got the very clear message that the body did not want to be developing as female and this must stop immediately please. Even though I was on the fence about the gender of my mind (or even how to determine the gender of my mind) I decided to take on the role of a loving parent and act on what felt best for the body. 

For me, it wasn’t until the day I started hormones that the identifier transgender started to be more comfortable, and that the identifier of “transboy” felt a bit more “valid” in my mind (and validated, from a medical / psychological standpoint). 

((How do you deal with the uncertainty of not being able to decide/ or feeling like you have to?)) 

When I give identifiers for myself, I am giving an answer for whatever is true in the moment. Then, I don’t have to decide a damn thing, other than what is true at that very second.  I realized that I just didn’t need to be suffering so much by pressuring myself to pick something that will be true in the future. I ain’t no future teller!

I practice mindfulness & meditation and that has been really helpful for me. I set aside time to allow these things to be felt completely and brought into a place of acceptance. But the word practice is really important, because feeling these things, practicing non-judgement towards yourself, feeling compassion for yourself and your history, being more comfortable with the groundlessness of identity…they are really difficult and really do require practice.

((Is it just some unrealistic societal expectation?))

In my personal opinion, yes.

In America and many other places in the world, there is a lot of pressure on one to “figure out who they are”, as if this we have these solid, unchanging traits that are there for us to discover and take ownership of. Our culture gives us the impression that it is possible to identify or “BE” just one thing consistently throughout time. 
The problem is, this is not how the universe, or people, work. We are constantly learning, changing, growing, etc. 

When I’m really in touch with myself, both body and mind, I feel such a multitude of things! I panic because I feel that I “shouldn’t” be feeling so many things, because my culture says I should be experiencing something else.

But the reality is, I am feeling it. And I only hurt myself by denying what is really going on within me.

So at the core of that “identity panic” for me is the unrealistic belief that I’ve indeed internalized from my culture: that my identity is a static thing that can be “found”. And in my experience, it can’t be.

It can only be felt. 

-Kai

Anonymous:

hi. i'm genderfluid, and if i came out, i don't think my dad or brother would be accepting of it. they would probably think it's made up, and that i just want to be different. is there any scientific proof i can throw in their faces?

first, mini science lesson:

unfortunately there is about as much “scientific proof” of genderfluidity as there is for transgender people, which is not much and highly debatable. We still don’t know what causes any non-cisgender gender identities.

there is no reliable way to determine between a male and female gendered brains. some trans people say there is DEFINITELY, LAB-TESTED EVIDENCE that trans people have the physical brain structure of their identified gender. these tests did occur but were later discredited. this is because it isn’t even so easy to determine between cisgender brains.

The differences that have been found can more ascribed to nurture than nature - women are expected to act and think a certain way by societal demand, so they develop things like multi-tasking and stuff like that. they are more likely to go into certain careers because of societal misogyny, so they develop brain patterns reflective of those feminine-coded careers.

the question is, what would make a person who was socially directed in one direction, instead identify with the directions put towards another gender? i have yet to find a unanimous answer, although people speculate many different reasons including hormone exposer in utero, the variety of gender experiences is too great to really peg down one specific cause.

if a trans person transitioned and went on to live their life stealth they would probably develop brain structures more common in their identified gender, because of the way society grooms people for gender performance in every aspect of their lives.

about 10% of transgender people and 30% of cisgender-identified people say that they have a gender identity that is either neither male nor female, somewhere in-between, or something different completely. keep in mind that 10% of trans people and 30% of cis people doesn’t add up to 40%, it’s still about 30% of people.

however, none of this is what you want to hear. so I will move on to…

mini psychology lesson:

the DSM model for treatment of transgender people is basically that you must experience gender dysphoria to get physical treatment for it. which makes sense, as it would be negligent to prescribe HRT or gender affirming surgery to someone who is fine with the body they’re in. gender dysphoria is characterized by:

- a strong, persistent identification with another gender

- a strong, persistent dissociation from ones assigned gender and role

-a strong, persistent dissociation with ones assigned physical sex characteristics*

*although obviously lots of nonbinary people dont have physical dysphoria, which is why they dont physically transition.

the good news is that the WPATH standards of care, which is the international standard for medical treatment of transgender people, has included nonbinary and genderqueer identities since 2011. this means that nonbinary people, although not understood, are medically and psychologically recognized internationally and, although this is often not the case, you cannot be denied transition care as a nonbinary person in most countries that do trans care.

most people in the field of transgender health agree that variation of gender experience is natural and should be embraced. all things in science are grey areas within grey areas. in every aspect of human gender and sex there is a grey middle area, be it in genitalia, hormone sets, chromosomes, identity, sexuality, or expression. it would not make sense scientifically for nonbinary people not to exist, as it would mean a supernatural lack of variation that should occur biologically as it does within every other species and every other aspect of human health and nature.

I recommend you not hit them with all the stuff I just said, as it all sounds vaguely uncertain. that was more for your benefit.

here are some resources for your dad and brother than might be helpful:

Middle Sexes: Redefining He and She 

everything you need to know about nonbinary identities

what it feels like to be transgender 

explaining genderqueer to those who are not

-Newt

(p.s. 

also please note i am not a scientist and literally all of the information i just gave you has been procured by talking to gender therapists and my physician and reading articles n the internet)