i struggled with self-harm for most of my teens, but the advice i have is never what anyone wants to hear.
self-harm is a stress response. it’s one that people usually grow out of by their 20s when they learn to replace it with other, healthier coping mechanisms. for someone who also suffers from gender dysphoria, replacing unhealthy coping mechanisms with healthy ones becomes more difficult because there is often an inherent self-loathing issue especially around body image that makes one less motivated to want to take care of themselves. however, i did it and I believe you can to.
the first thing you have to do is find things that make you feel better when you’re stressed. note that I said “better”. meaning you are not looking for something to emulate the same pain/self-harm response that cutting does (methods like squeezing ice cubes or snapping rubber bands on your wrist). none of these methods are effective because they dont hurt as much as cutting, and what you really need to do is completely replace the response to hurt yourself when stressed to a response to take care of yourself when stressed.
Stress and emotional pain in people who cut is not higher than that in people who don’t, it’s just that everyone has different ways to cope with it and some are healthier than others. however, life is stress and stress does require coping, so it is important that you plan on replacing the action rather than just avoiding your usual method of release. if you do that your stress will build up and you will relapse.
what people find helpful as coping mechanisms really depends person-to-person so it involves making a list of activities you find particularly relaxing or rewarding. I keep a list of my own by my mirror that looks like this.
when i was seeking help for my self-harm I was told all the same things I’m telling you right now and I didn’t listen to a word of it. I wasnt looking to take a bath, i was looking to hurt and i wanted something that would give me the same feeling without the scars. but in order to really find a solution you really need to change your mindset from “im hurting so much i want to hurt myself” to “im hurting so much, ive been through a lot and need to take a time out to care for my emotional needs.” you need to start believing that you are something worth taking care of.
For me, the switch was coming out. as soon as i came out as transgender all of a sudden the things i’d been told in the hospital started to make a lot of sense, because i started seeing myself as worth taking care of. I started liking myself. however, for people with more debilitating dysphoria, the mental switch might not be so easily flipped.
unfortunately there is no sure-fire way to alleviate body dysphoria other than transition, or else everyone would be doing it. I will say though that how much your body bothers you greatly depends on how much you see it as infringing on your gender identity. most of the time I am able to distance myself from my chest enough that the dysphoria doesn’t bother me too much - they may be boobs, but they’re not girl boobs, they’re guy boobs. or nonbinary boobs. they’re my boobs. this has not eliminated my dysphoria to the point where i no longer bind or want surgery, but i manage day-to-day.
my ability to think this way has been hugely dependant on my exposure to images of trans bodies. looking at nude photographs or pornography (if you’re ok with that) of trans people and trans guys especially has been very helpful, because you are looking at people who look like they pass, they look, talk, and act like guys, but they have vaginas and some of them have boobs. but when you see naked pictures of trans guys, it doesnt look like those parts of their body are in contrast to their gender identity. they look comfortable in themselves, and they look like men. once you get enough exposure to other trans people and realize just how much your gender expression shines through no matter your anatomy, it becomes a lot easier to tell yourself “I am ______, I’m just a ______ with boobs.”
-Newt
