Your Loved One is not “Becoming” a Man/Woman/Both/Neither/Anything but Themself

One of the main thought distortions I see in parents or loved ones of a person who comes out as transgender is, “how am I going to cope with my child/friend/sibling becoming [whatever they say they are]?”

This is a misconception I would like to address.

People do not get to choose their gender identity. It is not something that someone can willingly change. Even if someone is genderfluid, their gender has always fluctuated and will continue to do so over their life. Knowing this, your loved one is not “becoming” anything. They did not “used to be” another gender, and they do not “want to be” another gender. They are. They have been. They will continue to be. They’re just realizing it now.

There is a fear when someone comes out as trans that this realization will radically change who the person is, that they will be an entirely different person and no longer the one you know and love. This simply isn’t true. Realizing ones transgender status is coming to terms with a higher understanding of who you are. Admitting it to yourself and to others is an act of radical self-respect. The only things that will be changing is they might decide they need to make their appearance, identifiers, and/or body more comfortable for “who they really are”. If anything you can only expect a more intensified, content version of who they already were.

-Newt

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